Lisa Lauria

Imagine this. You have been seeing a new boyfriend, John, for a couple of months and things have been going great. John is everything you ever wanted in a partner. He’s intelligent, funny, caring and kind, worries about your wants and needs, and tries to help you with anything you ask. He comes from a good family and has a great job in accounting. You could actually see yourself marrying this guy.

Then John starts doing some things that make you question all of this. After you hang up his laundry one day, you see him staring at the closet in disbelief. He yells that you should not have put his clothes in that order. It seems like a foolish thing to get upset about but before you know it John is yelling and cursing at you and even shoves the pile of clothes at you, hurting your arm. It is not long before episodes just like this are happening all of the time, almost once a week, and they are getting more and more physical. You even begin to notice that John is nicer to you right before and right after the outbursts. And when you think back to the beginning of your relationship with him you can remember times when John said a lot of mean things about your life, your appearance, your friends and everything else. So many thoughts are swirling through your head: “But John’s a good man…,” “He would never do anything to hurt me on purpose…,” “I must have really messed up to make him so mad,” “I must really be ugly and fat if he’s now telling me this for the hundredth time.” Although deep down you are smart enough to notice the cycle of verbal and physical abuse that is going on, you are blinded by your relationship and fail to do anything about it.

This story is a horrible reality for many people in today’s society. Abusive relationships are more prevalent then ever, with 1.3 million women and 835,000 men physically assaulted by intimate partners each year in the United States. Although relationship abuse is in the media often, especially after recent cases like Chris Brown and Rihanna, many people still do not know what constitutes abuse. Relationship abuse is defined as a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. This abuse can include physical, emotional, psychological, financial or sexual abuse.

Abusers use a number of different tactics to gain control over their partners. An abuser might dominate their victim by making decisions, controlling chores and generally taking charge of the relationship. They might humiliate their partner by belittling or insulting them in public, isolate their partner from the outside world, or intimidate them by creating frightening displays of power. Abusers might also threaten their victim’s well-being, or that of their family members. Lastly, they might deny that the abuse takes place at all, or blame the abuse on the victim themselves.

The cycle of abuse is often the same in many different cases. After the initial abuse, physical or otherwise, there is a period of guilt, followed by rationalization or excuses on the abuser’s part. Next the abuser engages in normal behavior, when he or she might act like nothing is wrong or even be nicer than usual. The abuser then fantasizes and plans the next episode of abuse, sets it up so that the abuse can be justified, and repeats the cycle all over again.

Sometimes it is difficult to step back form one’s own relationship and examine what is happening. It may be even more difficult for a victim to come to the realization that abuse is taking place. However, no form of relationship abuse is ever okay. Although victims may think that it seems impossible to leave their abusers, there might be more options than they know about. If there is a current threat to one’s personal safety or the safety of family members or children it is best to contact local police through 911. Police and law enforcement officials have been trained in this area, and although it may seem like an abuser will always find a way to harm their victim, these professionals are almost always able to protect the well being of the victims. Other options to escape danger include moving to another town or state, or obtaining a restraining order. If the victim believes that they can leave their partner or home without harmful consequences, they can stay with family or friends, or contact a local shelter until they are able to live on their own. Those who are being abused or know someone who is can call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233, Safe Horizons at 1-800-621-4673, or the National Coalition against Domestic Violence at 1-303-839-1852.