Jaclyn Sheldon

When we hear the word “bully” we often think of an adolescent boy towering over his classmates and using physical force to get lunch money. Most of us do not picture a popular, sweet-faced girl who is loved by all adults. Yet, most females can recall a time when, for no real reason, you were suddenly ignored by your best friend. For example, maybe a group of your friends were standing near the lockers giggling, and suddenly a hush fell over them when you walked by, only to be followed by more laughter as you continued down the hallway. Or maybe someone shot you a dirty look from across the classroom, or a companion “forgot” to call you to hang out, though everyone else was invited. Your thoughts might have raced as you tried to think of something you might have done wrong to deserve any of those things, but nothing could come to mind; you did nothing to warrant this behavior from your peers. No one pushed you or physically hurt you, but frankly, it stung more than any push or shove ever did.

If you have ever suffered in a similar way, you are not alone. Approximately 160,000 kids miss school every day out of fear of being victimized by this form of bullying, known as relational aggression (YouthLight, Inc.). This stereotypically “catty” behavior is actually a form of bullying. Also known as social or indirect aggression, relational aggression (RA) relies on attempts at damaging social relationships, as well as other’s opinions of its victims (Relational Aggression, 2007). There are two forms of RA. Proactive RA is used as a means to achieve a goal, such as gaining a higher popularity status. Reactive RA is typically in response to provocation, such as a target becoming a bully to protect herself from the aggression she has faced (YouthLight, Inc.). Both types of RA use a combination of gossip and rumors, exclusion tactics to make the target an outsider, and the silent treatment, among other methods, to stake claim as the power holder.

If not personal victims or having acted as a bully, most of us can at least recall an experience in which we have seen this behavior taking place. Unfortunately, it is so common that many parents and school professionals ignore the behavior. Nonetheless, RA is starting to be put under the microscope and is considered a real form of bullying as compromising to its victims as physical harm. Awkward stages of braces, acne, and glasses may be a necessary evil of adolescence but, despite its acceptance in society, RA does not have to be a part of growing up.

Though males do experience it, the manifestations of this indirect aggression tend to be associated with females. Many people disregard this behavior with the saying “girls will be girls.” While society allows boys to outwardly display feelings of aggression, physical aggression is deemed unladylike among girls. As a result of this socialization, girls must resort to more covert ways of displaying their aggression in order to behave “nicely” (Relational Aggression, 2007).

Physical forms of bullying have received more attention by researchers, educators, and parents in order to protect our youth from physical violence, but many people are unaware of the long-lasting effects of RA. In the moment, targets of RA suffer embarrassment, confusion, anger, worry, fear, humiliation, loneliness, self-consciousness, betrayal and sadness. Victims are at risk for lower GPAs, depression, increased anxiety, eating disorders and loneliness, as well as adjustment problems and antisocial behavior later in life. Suicide is sometimes associated with victims of severe RA. The aggressors also suffer long-term consequences of their actions, often feeling increasingly depressed or rejected and becoming withdrawn and delinquent (YouthLight, Inc.). Despite the lack of scrapes and bruises, RA leaves emotional scars for everyone involved that could last a lifetime.

RA, though typical in adolescents, begins in children as early as pre-school age and can continue through adulthood, yet only 23 states have legislature that addresses bullying in their school codes (YouthLight, Inc.). Also, there is much difficulty in proving incidents of RA, making it harder to control than physical aggression. Nonetheless, many schools are trying to stop it by implementing intervention. As it may be difficult to make a target feel less victimized or to convince an aggressor that bullying is wrong, many interventions specifically reach out to the bystander. Fear of becoming the next target often drives bystanders to remain silent. Many interventions attempt to show bystanders that there are actions they can take, aside from directly confronting the bully, to comfort the target and help diminish relational aggression. Some of these tactics include not passing on gossip they hear, regardless of who started the rumor, calling a target of RA on the phone after school hours to offer encouragement and support, and walking away from a situation where a bully is bothering a target so as to not provide the audience that the bully often craves.

The Ophelia Project (2007) is specifically aimed at long-term systemic change. It is important for our children to feel safe and secure at school, and this includes protection from emotional torment as well as the physical type. The Ophelia Project strives to diminish RA in our society. For more information on the Ophelia Project, go to www.opheliaproject.org.

There are a number of simple things anyone can do to help a child lead a socially healthy lifestyle. Children of both genders should be involved in activities outside of school so they are exposed to different types of people. If your child is a target of RA, do not minimize the incident by assuming it is part of growing up (Relational Aggression, 2007; YouthLight, Inc.). Similarly, discuss all sides of a RA incident; many of us easily see ourselves as the victim but do not see our own acts of aggression. Encourage children to stand up for a victim, even when it is the difficult path to take. And most importantly, model kindness and acceptance in your own home (YouthLight, Inc.).

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